I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Actions speak louder than pants.
a search helicopter?!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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