Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The struggles of a small town man whore
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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