I faked an abortion last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
