he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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