So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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