i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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