oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
