Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
