walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
