it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
