i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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