I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
