Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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