just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
