Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Come on in and take your pants off
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