Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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