What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
