I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
