I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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