Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
