I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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