My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
