Banned from zoo.
Again?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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