I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize