You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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