drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
