hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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