Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
