saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
