I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
