i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
