Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
