I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
