Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
