What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
