last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
