I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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