There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
