my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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