i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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