he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
