The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Girls should come with a carfax report
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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