Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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