Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
