I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
