3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
