Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
