so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
