just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
