I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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