she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
