I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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