do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
