Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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