I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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