I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
sarcasm needs its own font
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
