I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
