Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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