I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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