I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
