a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
