i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
