Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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