Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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