I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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