Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
